Your Sexual Desires: From Silence to Authenticity

Do you ever find yourself silently complying with your partner's sexual preferences because your desires feel too embarrassing to share? If opening up about your needs feels uncomfortable, it's likely linked to past experiences where expressing yourself led to shame, causing you to shut down.

To open up, you need to heal those past hurts and learn how to feel secure in who you are so that you can comfortably share your sexual preferences and anything else you typically withhold, which keeps you from a deeper connection with your partner.

To do this, you go into the memories where you didn't feel validated in your expression, where you weren't encouraged to be yourself, and where you felt shamed by someone important to you—just for being your natural self. (This may or may not be related to anything erotic.)

These moments set a precedent in your nervous system that says, "Don't do THAT again,”. When left unaddressed, these moments will make you vigilant about NOT sharing, as sharing equates to risking being shamed again.

But you can heal that shame, unlearn the habitual “shut down” response, and replace it with healthy vulnerable revealing of yourself.

Here’s a bit more about what that process looks like.

Imagine stepping into the scene from your past where you experienced hurt, and envision the part of yourself who went through that painful experience. Approach this past self slowly, with kindness, care, and curiosity, sincerely wanting to understand what it needs.

Building trust with this hurt part may take time, but once it senses that you are a safe, approving and caring presence, you can find out about its desires and needs.

It's essential to truly listen while avoiding imposing your beliefs about what you think should happen, or what you think they need. Ask, and listen to what they tell you.

They might answer in various ways, such as wanting a comforting hug, reassuring words, taking them away from distressing situations / taking them to nature or to play.

They might even require you to do things in your present life that demonstrate the sense of safety that this past part is wanting to learn.

For example, if you're having a hard time sharing vulnerably in life now, that past part may really need you to demonstrate what it’s like to OPEN UP from a place of self-approval and self-acceptance, precisely what was lacking in the past when you experienced the shame.

Reparenting work invites your past parts that fragmented off after painful events to receive the healing they need, so they can integrate back into who you are as a whole person.

This enables you to bring more of yourself into your relationship, from a place of feeling more whole and secure in yourself (think self-esteem rising).

Please note that when going into those past memories, it’s very important to do it from a place of being very calm, centered, and grounded; so you can give attuned emotional care to that part of you who endured some hurt in their expression—without merging to their pain and just getting triggered all over again.

For that reason, it’s wise to have someone trained in the nervous system and trauma, guiding the process to ensure that you move through each step of the process very slowly and from a place of resilience and resourcing, rather than getting over-activated and upset.

My 12-week 1-on-1 program is designed to do just that. I guide you through this transformative journey, doing reparenting work as mentioned in this post, in a safe, nurturing, and healing way.

We'll also work on paying attention to the messages of your body so you can feel reliably connected to your feelings, needs, desires, and boundaries. This is a solid foundation for feeling safe in yourself!

I'll also work with you to understand how important it is to value and trust that body information!

Together, we’ll work to turn your withholds into playful communication that creates connection and mutually satisfying intimacy.

I’ll model various ways you can communicate how you feel, what you need, and what you want and don't want. Then, you'll practice with me to start getting comfortable hearing yourself sharing your vulnerable truth.

Ultimately, this process supports caring individuals to shine the light on shame, enabling them to express themselves from a place of feeling safe in themselves, so they can get their needs met, while improving their romantic relationship or even attracting a new partner genuinely attracted to their natural expression.

If interested, email me and we’ll see if we’re a fit to work together.