How to Reclaim Boundaries to Transform Relationships

When you’re exhausted and need space to rest, but your partner wants to do activities with you, do you accommodate your partner, without even talking about it?

If so, you were likely taught at an early age that it’s not acceptable to have personal space (boundaries).

The way to unlearn how you override your needs is by accessing your innate body intelligence.

I’ll share more about what that means and how to do it in a sec, but first let’s talk about how you learned to override your needs and boundaries in the first place.

One example is when you were a small kid, if well-meaning adults insisted you give hugs or kisses to relatives, even when you felt uncomfortable.

In those moments, your innocent attempts to establish boundaries might have been met with comments like, "Don't be shy," or "It's just a hug."

While these comments might have been intended to encourage social interactions, they inadvertently taught you that your feelings and comfort were secondary to appeasing others.

Gradually, a sense of shame might have taken root, thwarting your ability to maintain your boundaries by making you feel that they are somehow wrong or selfish.

This is why you override your own instincts— to hide your needs because part of you feels they are shameful and not worthy of attention.

Getting unstuck from this challenging loop and developing skills to improve how you engage in your relationship is precisely the kind of thing that my 3-month 1-on-1 program is designed to address.

Imagine in one of our weekly sessions that you are telling me about your day to day life, and sharing something similar to the example I started this post with.

I would gently prompt you to notice the sensations arising in your body as you recount your story, while inviting you to slow down more than you ordinarily would on your own… to feel.

You begin noticing sensations and activity in your body associated with what happened. These physical sensations hold valuable insight into the emotions connected to your experience.

By focusing on the body sensations in this way, you literally feel through the “overriding” pattern and allow it unwind.

As you come into contact with the part of you that is stuck, you may notice something like a tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or a tension in your shoulders… everyone has their own experience and there’s no right or wrong, there’s just what is present and being with it.

We do this so slowly that any uncomfortable feelings can be met at a pace that is tolerable and not triggering.

Once activated sensations have your attention, usually the feeling of being activated briefly intensifies, peaks and then releases in a way that ends up feeling good, calm and complete.

Then you can access what remains, your essential and empowered state of being (yourself).

While you might desire to vent and rehash your story, I encourage you to focus less on the details of the content, and more on what is activated in your system so you can resolve these incomplete past experiences by feeling through them.

Every time we do this, it helps you become more free and empowered. And that's why we meet weekly for 12 weeks.

We tend to move so fast in life, we’re not always aware of how we rush past or distract ourselves from what we are actually feeling. Even for those who are already quite experienced with somatic work.

Having someone keep the pace who is attuned to you every step of the way can make the difference between getting even more imbedded in the pattern vs. transforming it into fulfilling and connected ways of being and interacting.

Gradually this kind of work equips you to recognize and honor your boundaries in real-time situations, fostering a sense of self-empowerment and emotional well-being.

In the example of this post, imagine a different scenario: after a long week you sit down with your partner to talk about what both need and desire for the weekend, and based on your exhausted you are, agree for you would take Saturday to yourself to rest, and then you’d spend Sunday together from a place of fullness instead of depletion. Everyone wins. You, them, and your relationship. ...so much better than neglecting your needs and showing up Saturday exhausted and resentful...

This is obviously just a tiny glimpse of how feeling into the body can provide a path of healing and growth for you and your relationship. It’s truly something that makes much more sense after it’s experienced—in the body!

In my program, aside from the somatic work, we’ll also do reparenting processes where you imagine yourself giving the younger parts of you (who's boundaries were shamed or otherwise) the loving attunement, safety and validation they need.

We also work on communication skills so you’re well equipped with new ways to actually talk about your needs and boundaries that feel authentic and connecting.

All in all this 12 week program is meant to help empathic and sensitive people improve their relationships or to help them attract someone new from a more solid foundation in themselves.

If interested, email me and we’ll see if it’s a fit.