Yesterday I realized I am addicted to stress.
I was literally looking for ways I needed to prepare and "get my shit together" for the first Ignite Your Desire zoom call.
The truth is, I didn't actually have anything to prepare, everything was ready, ...I was READY.
I was ready, turned-on, DELIGHTED, at ease, with a dash of nervous excitement and anticipation.
I couldn't wait to feel these women, who I know individually, meeting each other for the first time and beginning our journey together as a group.
In a way, it IS a lot to hold, but that doesn't mean it has to be HARD. It's truly my joy, a soul calling, and I'm masterful in the realm of creating and holding space for groups. I was made to do this and I love it.
And, apparently I'd rather spend hours worrying about if I'm prepared than just trusting myself.
I couldn't allow myself to relax and let things come easily because a part of me felt if I did that, I wouldn't be worthy and something must be wrong.
If I don't worry about being ready, will I be somehow found out? It feels like that nightmare where you discover you're being tested (in an actual dream) and forgot to study!
My system is so used to running insecurity through it, that when I actually do trust myself and trust life, a part of me feels like something is missing.
The cortisol stress response becomes such an ingrained experience, when I'm just relaxed and doing my thing, on some level it feels ...wrong.
What's really happening is - I'm learning a habit and imprinting a new pattern in my nervous system that is unlike my early childhood conditioning.
I'm developing and cultivating my capacity to lean into trust and to simply enjoy being happy because I'm alive and doing what I love. Ha!
Do you relate to being addicted to old imprints of stress, anxiety and overwhelm? How is it serving you?
I no longer need to be in a struggle to be worthy of doing what I desire.
I've wanted to be in my full expression, especially in my work, for a long time. I have made big life decisions this year, to align with my passion, and now I'm learning to HAVE it.