Last night, my heart ached.
I had a tsunami of feelings that had been building for days and wanted to express, peak, and flow out.
I missed my lover.
It’s been over a week since I’ve seen him, we've been talking every day, and he’s arriving today (omg, he’s arriving today!!!!).
The growing anticipation and excitement of sharing intimacy and exploration together is a mix of exquisite …and almost painful yearning.
As we approached the end of our video chat last night, I felt a mounting pressure in my chest, an explosion of love that wanted to pour all out, and it felt BIG and also quite tender.
A part of me thought, this is too much. I'm too much. WAY too much.
My internal dialogue went something like this:
The wave of this energy will overwhelm him. He'll be blasted and it's more than he can handle. I don’t want to impose this on him. Does he really want this from me? He doesn’t want to hear this, to feel this. We’re too early in our relationship for this. I already said I love you today, I can't say it again. I have to titrate my expression of feelings so he feels safe. I don’t want to scare him away. I need to tone it down. I need to keep it to myself. I'll deal with my feelings later.
The longer I protested with myself, the achier my heart felt.
This is all happened in about ten seconds... and then something magical happened.
I remembered I trust myself. I remembered this is an old pattern that creeps up, but it's not who I am anymore.
I remembered that I can trust my feelings are MY feelings, and they're there for me to have and to hold.
I remembered I actually ENJOY my feelings, and expressing them.
I remembered there's no shame about how I operate or how I feel. I am me.
I remembered I can live in the fullness and aliveness that my feelings bring.
I can trust the organic flow to move through my system, because it’s just me being me…
Why WOULDN’T I honor that???
Why wouldn't I be completely and utterly devoted and humbly in service to my own heart??
That all happened in about another 10 seconds...
And then I listened to her longing, the deep desire to love all out, and how much she wanted her expression to bubble out. Freely. Openly. Beautifully and messy.
I felt scared.
I breathed, slowed down, and leaned in.
I felt so vulnerable and ALIVE.
“Lover, I’m feeling a welling up in my heart and I feel so much love coursing through me, I want to love you all out, and it wants to be expressed. I’m afraid you don’t want to feel that, and I’m afraid I’m too much.”
This very act opened me with so much ease and freedom. MY heart’s expression spilled out of my eyes in huge droplets.
I felt the pressure in my heart move like a river through me and it turned into an exquisite feeling of warmth, peace and calm.
And the ache went …poof.